How to Raise Kids Who Aren't Afraid of Rejection
/
Harlan cohen at responsibility.org summit
I've always said that this blog has taken me to places I could have never imagined, and sometimes, it brings the right people into my life at exactly the right moment.
I first discovered Harlan Cohen on Instagram last year, when my second daughter was getting ready to leave home and begin her college adventure in Austin. My algorithm must have known exactly what I needed! His advice for college students immediately caught my attention. He talked about real situations, real struggles, and the challenges of navigating a completely new chapter in life.
So imagine my surprise when I learned he would be one of the speakers at the Responsibility.org Summit I was attending! And even better, his topic was something that couldn't have felt more relevant: How to help our kids deal with rejection. Harlan Cohen is a New York Times bestselling author, journalist, and speaker who has spent over 25 years helping students and families navigate college life, relationships, and life's many transitions.
Rejection. Just that word makes my body tense. I think of all the times I've experienced it myself, how vulnerable it made me feel, and how difficult it was to move forward.
But experiencing rejection is one thing. Watching your children go through it is something entirely different.
College life, especially, comes with endless opportunities to feel rejected. Friendships, relationships, social circles, opportunities that don't work out. I've witnessed these moments within my own family, and I can honestly say they're some of the times I've seen my kids at their most vulnerable and felt the most helpless as a mother.
That's why Harlan's message resonated with me so deeply.
His very first slide featured a quote attributed to Nelson Mandela:
"I never lose. I either win or learn."
And suddenly, rejection became something worth looking at from a completely different perspective.
Harlan shared three pieces of advice that I couldn't wait to bring home:
1. Get curious, not angry.
Instead of treating rejection as the end of a conversation, use it as an opportunity to connect. Ask questions. Be curious. What can I learn? What could I do differently? Be open to any outcome. Sometimes rejection can be the beginning of a meaningful connection.
2. Give yourself permission to be uncomfortable.
I loved this one. Feeling uncomfortable doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong. Sometimes it means you're putting yourself out there, taking a chance, and growing. As Harlan said, if you're uncomfortable, you might actually be doing it right.
3. Say YES. And invite one more.
Say yes to new experiences, different people, and unexpected opportunities. You might discover something you never knew you loved. And whenever you can, invite one more person along. You never know what friendship or connection might come from that simple gesture.
I left that conversation thinking about my own children and how much I wish I could protect them from every disappointment, every heartbreak, and every moment of rejection.
But I can't. And perhaps that's not even the goal.
What if we taught our kids to see rejection as an opportunity, not a failure?
Because the goal isn't to protect them from rejection. It's to teach them how to grow through it
And just as importantly, to remind them that it's okay to feel sad, hurt, or disappointed. Difficult emotions are part of life, but learning healthy ways to cope with them is essential. Turning to alcohol or other substances should never be the answer.
I'm so grateful to @responsibilityorg for creating spaces where we can have these meaningful conversations and for introducing me to people whose wisdom I can bring home and share with you.
Because sometimes the most valuable thing we can give our children isn't an answer. It's a different way of looking at life.
And perhaps one of the most important lessons I’ve share here many times before, is that these conversations need to start long before our kids leave for college. Building trust through open, honest conversations from an early age creates a foundation that grows with them, through their teenage years and into adulthood.
Because when life gets complicated, when rejection hurts, or when they face difficult decisions, I want my kids to know they can always come to me without fear of judgment. We may not always have the answers, but keeping that door open might be one of the greatest gifts we can give them as parents.
If you have kids in high school, I encourage you to explore Responsibility.org’s brand-new Teens & Responsibility resource, filled with valuable tools and guidance to help you navigate important conversations with your teens and build trust along the way.
Explore it here: https://www.responsibility.org/teens/ and thanks so much to Harlan Cohen for his immense wisdom.
